Jerry Bresee is a former colleague of mine, an accomplished singer/songwriter, and a good road warrior. His first CD, Skylight, really spoke to me as an aviator and a traveler.

Jerry also is the person who brought the topic of "airline speak" to my conscious mind. For years, I'd known that airline PA announcements were uniformly odd, like the smell of gymnasiums. But Jerry really put his finger on it; Flight attendant schools are teaching "airline speak" with the same fervor that high school janitors are slathering industrial disinfectants on tumbling mats.

Fresh-faced airline newbies, just dipping their toes into their new industry, suddenly find themselves immersed in a bizarro form of English known as "airlinese."

Our investigation of airline speak revealed that flight attendant rookies must accept three canons in order to graduate from flight attendant school:

1. They must use "at this time" in every announcement. This prevents any confusion with contradictory announcements that were made, say, during The Renaissance.

2. They must use the word "do" as frequently as possible. Please do continue reading for an example.

3. They must use unnecessary words to the greatest extent possible. Examples abound, but my favorite airline idiom is "portable electronic devices." Every time I hear "portable electronic devices," I imagine sitting next to a woman with an Amana side-by-side refrigerator/freezer on her lap. Although I wouldn't put this past some people, I've never actually seen an airline passenger accompanied by a major appliance. Of the many electronic devices you'll find on airplanes, passengers possess only the portable variety.

SAMPLE AIRLINESE ANNOUNCEMENT:
"At this time, please do place your portable electronic devices in the off position..."

If you believe that the above statement could be expressed as "Please turn-off your electronic devices," you are destined for failure in flight attendant school. The flight attendant school dean will tell you, "At this time, please do pack your portable luggage and please do leave flight attendant school, keeping in mind that the nearest clearly marked exit may be behind you."

And can you imagine the humiliation of flunking flight attendant school?

Conversely, star performers at flight attendant school enrich their vocabulary with an even wider array of perplexing airlinese idioms:

• The contradictory statement
  "Please do put your seat back in the full upright and locked position. Now sit back and relax..."

• The redundant reports
  "As we ascend up to our cruise altitude..." (As opposed to ascending down, or ascending sideways?")
  "We have a very full flight..." (Which is more full than a "full flight?")

• The conditional statement
  "If you need anything at all, my name's Jan..." (But, um, what's your name if I don't need anything?)

• The substitute for an announcement
  "This will serve as a gate-change announcement..." (Why not make a real announcement, instead of something that will serve as an announcement?)
  By contrast, pilots don't make announcements at all. They take opportunities. And they take opportunities with long groans between them. "Ahhhhh... Folks, I'd ahhhhh... like to take ahhhhh... this opportunity..."

• The very scary qualifier
  "...or whatever your final destination may be." (How does one's "final destination" differ from one's "destination?"
  Isn't your "final destination" death?   Is that what they mean by the "final approach" to the "terminal?"   All of this is frightening enough to make your heart come to a complete and final stop!)

Because the flight attendant side of airline speak can be frightening indeed, pilots are given a quick tutorial on repairing shattered nerves. (They used to call it a "crash course," but renamed it.)

Basically, pilots are reminded that common aviation terms like "smashing into the ocean" should be translated into "a water landing." No matter how farfetched is the concept that a machine called an "Airbus" could land on water, the correct term is "a water landing."

Also, the airlines have decided that the word "turbulence" is frightening to white-knucklers, but they've never supplied a good alternative. That's made inflight announcements ungainly for pilots who can't use the only obvious term to describe "turbulence." Of the turbulence synonyms I've heard recently, my favorite is "crumbly air." This odd little term—crumbly air—underscores the clumsiness of turbulence avoidance. I've also heard "bumps in the road," "mixed-up air," and "something other than smooth air."

It's obvious that airline captains need some new ideas here, so my suggestions follow. I warrant only that they will be different.

• How about "attention deficit sky molecules"? This, at least, seems politically correct. It certainly isn't turbulence's fault that it was born turbulent.

• Or there's the Dan Rather approach: "More kicks, bucks and grinds in this air than on the high-speed bull at Gilley's honky tonk in Fort Worth on ladies' night." I'll bet Dan's actually used this while on travel.

• My favorite, and the one I sticking with, is "amusement park air." This is a gentle reminder that people pay good money to ride roller coasters, but they're afraid of the word "turbulence." Yeah, I think I'd use "amusement park air," or, in a different state of mind, I'd describe it as "violent atmospheric rip turmoil." But never "turbulence."

Much like the men of the sea revel in their salty tongue, rich with words like "ahoy," "avast," and "aaaaarrrrrgh," the men and women of the air have brought us a new dialect. For hours at a time, we can dwell in a fascinating place where we must "make sure that we are seated" and our "personal copy" of the magazine has been ripped to shreds by dozens of other personal owners of that same magazine.

Amazingly, we've come to understand this stuff, much as we've come to accept that the local time can be both "correct" and "approximate." But an intervention is in order: I say we hire a priest and exorcise the airline speak demons. Expel all those "flat metal ends" and "service items" from their vocabularies! You have the power to help these people speak normally again!

But don't help a flight attendant before refining your own language skills; You should always assist yourself before assisting those around you.

Training Services On Demand: Our company provides nationwide, onsite corporate training services.

Reprint Permission and Road Warrior Interviews may be requested by accredited members of the news media.