I hate big, downtown hotels.

I apologize sincerely to the big downtown hotels that I might offend herein, but I hate you.

And before you go assuming that I'm pinching pennies and staying down at the Super 8, let me note: I'm frequently offered complimentary rooms in big downtown hotels, and I still hate you. I hate you even when you're free.

How do I hate thee? Let me count the ways...

How about the big downtown hotel in Tacoma that was hosting some cheesy ballroom affair when I checked-in? You made me park two blocks away, and walk, fully burdened, through a bad neighborhood, through a long parking lot, up and down four flights of stairs, then through an indoor concourse overstuffed with old ladies with dyed crimson hair smoking foot-long cigarettes. Making two trips, it took me an hour to get my luggage and seminar materials into my room! And you tried to charge me $6 for parking!

Can you understand why I hate you?

Parking at big downtown hotels is universally inconvenient. And if a hotel manager finds that parking isn't sufficiently problematic, they really foul up the system: They make it mandatory valet parking. Now that's a gem of a scheme: You get to wait for a person with unknown driving skills to bring your car out to play every time you need to run down the street. And you're expected to tip this person! It's just annoying. (And if you really want bad dreams, go to sleep counting the lawyers involved if a valet hurt somebody while driving a car you rented.)

And another thing, big downtown hotels: I'm tired of your usurious fees for every little thing, like $1 for local phone calls and $3 for a can of Coke.

And why can't a place that houses people ever have a decent restaurant?

And why, when the hotel is only ten percent occupied, must you always give me a room at the end of the hallway furthest from the elevator? Huh? Answer that, big downtown hotel!

Oooooooooh, how I hate you!

I'm in love with the new kids in town... the suburban suite hotels. I love Candlewood Suites and Residence Inns and Homewood Suites. I love parking right outside the hotel door. I love having a refrigerator and a microwave. I love having a recliner, from which I can make free local phone calls.

I love you, suite hotels, and I'm willing to overlook your flaws.

I don't understand why your rates can be so unpredictable, often varying from $50/night to $200/night for the same room, at the same property, in the same season. I don't understand why you're often equipped with an alarm clock more complicated than the control panel of a nuclear submarine. And while I'm cool with once- or twice-a-week housekeeping, I can see why some people are disappointed that you don't change their sheets every day. (But I'll bet they don't change sheets daily at home.)

Yes, my suite, you offer me a refrigerator and convenient parking and free local calls, but I will not pay $200 for you. No, no, no. Let us never forget that a hotel guest spends 80 percent of their time in a hotel room with their eyes closed. If you are too pricey, my suite, I'll find a less expensive habitat. It will have a bed and a phone and a shower, which is all that I really need. And I will pay $69 a night. And I will bring my own very complicated alarm clock.

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